When speaking out leads to further gaslighting and judgement. The tools that supported my healing journey.
I know that the only way to help and support others is to be able to connect with them. Empathy is a powerful tool in aiding the journey to healing.
“My shoes have a lot of miles on them. Unless you have walked in my shoes, don’t judge me or my life.” — Unknown
Yet, we throw this empathy word around and never really embody what it must be like to walk in someone else’s shoes.
Abusers like powerful positions
We still live in a society that is quick to judge and lay blame at the door of the victims of the silent killer and slow torture that is mental abuse.
How do we improve as a society when we actively encourage people to speak out about their innermost feelings and abusive experiences, and when they do find the courage, we label them crazy, psychotic, mental, and worse not believe them?
“If you could walk a mile in my shoes you’d be crazy too.” — Tupac Shakur
Families still hold on to old generational beliefs that we must not wash our dirty linen in public.
Yet, who does this serve, if not the abuser of the family?
I get it to a point; it is not wise to plaster your private thoughts all over social media, especially in the modern age where future employers will check out your media pages.
There does need to be safe spaces where victims can speak without fear of further labelling and gaslighting.
Is it not time to look at our generational belief systems and question why we learned certain beliefs? Are these beliefs contributing to the betterment of our lives?
Why do we vote for people to govern our minds that only promote division and hatred amongst the population; does this truly serve us?
Unfortunately, abusers often find their way into positions of power. After all, it’s what they crave the most, to feel a sense of importance to fuel an already empty spiritual vessel. They expect respect instead of earning it. If you dare question their actions, you will find that your character will be heavily smeared.
We only have to see how the media behaves towards people as a perfect example.
Abusers dislike having their authority questioned; rather than finding solutions so that all parties can come to some form of agreement. They intentionally withhold information and obfuscate the main issues at hand.
As soon as they need information from you, they will want it immediately and be very quick to accuse you of the same thing they do. Mirror Mirror
Speaking up and boundaries
It is not straightforward to tell your story because the reprisals can be enormous. I understand the intense anxiety and stress surrounding victims when standing up to abuse and taking their power back.
Abusers love control and power because it feeds into giving them a sense of worth. Deep inside, they know they feel worthless, which is the reason they want to keep up this whole façade of control.
When I finally sought a wise counsel, a very kind lady lit the match for me, and the penny dropped. She told me about the need to set boundaries; if someone truly loves us, they respect boundaries and care about our feelings.
This one nugget of golden advice changed my life, and the floodgates opened. All the years I had been gaslit, my voice silenced, or my feelings discounted and belittled came flooding in.
Yet, this match had lit an angry fire within me that raged furiously, almost to the point it consumed me.
My health declined, I lost a lot of weight, and because of the constant dis-ease, I began to experience painful bouts of intense vomiting and digestive issues. I could not stomach what had happened.
I later found out when my elder sister and I connected again that she had needed life-saving surgery; her stomach was in knots, literally. We both discovered that we would vomit after a telephone call with our mother.
I had to come to terms with what had happened to me.
When you are raised in dysfunction, it is your normal. We don’t understand that we have been caught up in mental abuse until our eyes have been fully opened.
My greatest fear
My biggest fear was that if I stood up to the injustice of the family dysfunction, I would be isolated and pushed out by the family. It had happened before when I was carrying my first child.
That fear came true, which caused the gaslighting to ramp up full scale. I was the one that was labelled crazy and cruel to the grandchildren.
You see, there is no winning over a narcissist; you are dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t. You cannot ever expect to have a relationship based on equal terms and respect, which is all I was asking for.
You are always the problem, and what makes it even more challenging is that the abuser will play the victim role like a Hollywood film star to bring others on the side against you.
This is the mental torture of psychological abuse. The abuser will practically push you to the point where you begin to feel like you are going crazy, suicidal even for some. Then, when diagnosed as crazy they can simply brush it away and say, “See, told you she was crazy.”
Using the inevitable anger as fuel
I will not tell you that standing up to your controllers is easy or without extreme heartache.
I walked away from nearly every family member and their associates to begin a fresh start. I ultimately granted them all mercy, not because they deserved it but because I deserved not to carry the pain around with me any longer.
Finding the courage within to stand in who I am has been a challenging path but certainly not one that I have regretted. I have used the destructive fire of anger and rage that almost destroyed me to become a force for good instead.
Today I work as a spiritual guide to help the healing journey of others and to align people onto their spiritual path. I want people to know that there is freedom and wholeness on the other side of abuse.
Some of the healing tools that worked for me
- There was a need to comprehend what had happened to me. I researched as much as possible into the narcissist personality type to grasp their mindset and ways of operating. Knowing the enemy is powerful.
- I worked on developing myself and setting stronger boundaries, which has brought in better-quality friends that are genuinely happy for me. Be prepared for people to fall away that can no longer use you to dump their continual rubbish on you; it will happen.
- I joined a martial arts club and became a black belt in kickboxing, helping to strengthen my mindset; I fully committed to it.
- Meditation is powerful; the more you practice the better you get; I cannot stress enough how this practice puts me in touch with myself and brings me joy. The mind, like the body, is a muscle that needs exercise to grow stronger.
- Initially, I devoured self-help and spiritual books which were great support; eventually, I became my own self-help advocate.
- Acupuncture did help through the tough times.
- Practicing gratitude even for the small things like a cup of tea or the companionship of an animal.
- Getting out into nature and connecting with all that you are. I do this daily.
Reaching gratitude and to conclude
When I was in my lowest moments I never could have believed that one day I would reach a place of gratitude towards those that almost destroyed me. I am in that place today, for without the experience I would not have grown as a human being to go onto help others and live with joy.
I do hope this article helped, do let me know in the comments.