Why We Stay Longer Than We Should
There’s this idea that people tolerate mistreatment because they’re too nice, patient, or forgiving. That might be true sometimes—but often, the reason runs much deeper.
We don’t always stay somewhere because we don’t know how to leave. Sometimes we stay because, on some level, we’ve convinced ourselves that’s what we should do. It’s not always in a glaringly obvious way, but it’s there lingering in the background—where guilt, shame, and unresolved pain live.
We don’t just carry memories of what others did to us. We also carry the weight of what we did—or didn’t do—when we believe we should’ve known better. Over time, that unhealed guilt starts shaping what we allow into our lives.
What We Carry, We Repeat
Some of the things we regret aren’t visible to anyone else. Maybe it was a harsh word we never took back, or the way we pulled away from someone who needed us. Perhaps we’re still caught in patterns we thought we’d grown out of. Or, we think back on the people we hurt when we were still trying to survive our own hurt.
Even if no one holds it against us, we remember. And sometimes, without realising it, we find ourselves allowing mistreatment that mirrors the harm we once caused. Almost like we’re trying to pay off an emotional debt we never quite forgave ourselves for.
"It’s easier to justify the pain than face the truth—but your peace is worth the confrontation."
Trying to Make It Right—In the Wrong Way
We don’t always see it clearly, but there are moments when we catch ourselves justifying things that don’t actually feel okay. We tell ourselves that maybe this is just how relationships or people are.
Perhaps the other person is just struggling too. Or maybe, somewhere deep down, we believe we’re meant to carry this weight—as if it’s our turn now.
What makes it harder is when others reinforce that inner guilt. Comments like, “Well, what did you expect going back?” or “You knew what they were like” don’t offer clarity—they reinforce that you must wear the shame. They confirm the belief that we asked for the pain, that we brought it all on ourselves. Sadly, when you’re already carrying guilt, it doesn’t take much to believe them.
What we need in those moments is compassion. Not someone pointing out the obvious, but someone reminding us that we don’t have to keep paying for old choices with our present peace.
So instead of confronting the pain head on, we explain it away. We minimise it by telling ourselves it’s just part of the process. But under all that rationalising is a form of self-punishment. It’s an effort to make things right by accepting less. The problem is, it doesn’t actually bring healing. It just keeps us stuck in a place we’ve long since outgrown.
Guilt Doesn’t Always Look Like What You’d Expect
There’s another kind of guilt that’s even harder to name—the kind we feel for what we didn’t even do. For the boundaries we didn’t set and for not walking away when we knew we should have. For staying silent when someone crossed over a line.
That kind of guilt can convince us we’ve forfeited the right to expect more. It tells us that we missed our chance, and now we just have to accept whatever we get because somehow we deserve it. We start believing that respect, clarity, and care are luxuries we’re no longer allowed to ask for.
A Personal Truth
For a long time, I made myself endlessly available. I answered every message, showed up for people who wouldn’t have done the same for me, and convinced myself that this was what it meant to be loyal or kind. But if I’m honest, I wasn’t doing it out of love. I was trying to prove something—that I was good, dependable, and worthy. That I had changed.
It was never about them. It was about me, and the version of myself I still hadn’t fully forgiven.
Everything Shifted When I Let Go of the Punishment
Eventually, I got tired—deeply tired. I was soul-tired from pretending I didn’t really mind. I stopped trying to earn my worth through sacrifice. I quit calling it love when it was really just my fear of being alone. I no longer waited for someone else to treat me better and started treating myself like I finally believed I deserved more.
At some point, I had to say the words I’d been avoiding saying: “I forgive you for what you did, what you didn’t know and for what you couldn’t handle at the time.”
That was the beginning of everything changing.
If You Feel This, Ask Yourself...
If any of this sounds familiar, I invite you to sit with these deeper questions. Don’t judge yourself, do it to get clearer:
- What am I still trying to prove, and who am I trying to prove it to?
- Who am I protecting by staying quiet, and who am I punishing by staying?
- Where am I still acting from guilt, instead of from truth?
You might be surprised by what surfaces.
You’re Already Enough
You don’t need to earn goodness by accepting pain, or to somehow prove your growth by enduring what doesn’t feel right. You are already good, and enough.
Healing won’t come by overcompensating for who you used to be. It comes when you stop defining yourself by your mistakes and start honoring who you’ve become—someone who’s allowed to ask for more, and who no longer needs to stay just to feel redeemed.
Written by Silo Rhodes
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